Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Breaking news:
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…