Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me trying to walk in a dream
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse