That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Never ghost your hitman.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY