Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there