Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
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When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.