mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Still my favorite headline of all time:
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there