After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
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SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
crochet youtube is brutal
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.