Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I like to think Iâm a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but themâs the rules.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with âba dum tssâ.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used đđđđđ đđđđđ all up
The dinosaursâ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you werenât supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If youâre wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though theyâre never listening, 2Bâs teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of âthank youâ sheâs been saying âthanks, babeâ for days.
me: whoâs ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Need to know if youâve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and Iâll check for you