[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
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cry laughing at this shit
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.