Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Basically.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.