With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.