Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
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Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅