Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.