hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
You Might Also Like
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.