You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
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my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?