I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know