Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
You Might Also Like
repaired
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.