A couple who are silly together stay together.
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.