Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
You Might Also Like
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
ok like just. call me at this point
So many pants.
So little yoga.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child