CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”