Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Catering service
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule