FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
You Might Also Like
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.