I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.