Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
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the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.