Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?