It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
You Might Also Like
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful