cyclists
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.