Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If looks could kill
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God