4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
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My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I am all good here, 😂😉
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
HOW DARE YOU
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.