me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan