When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Noted.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”