You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
i love meeting boys on tinder
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.