The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
It was worth a shot 😂
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking