[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
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Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti