I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
IT’S-A ME,
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down