NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
You Might Also Like
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.