I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The dark side of Canada
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
The glory of fall.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.