At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
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[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Are you ok, human???
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I feel like one of these would kill a European
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach