When you try jalapeños for the first time
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho