white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM