Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
So that’s what we looked like?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
this is the most humiliating day of my life