Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
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when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Cinematography is my passion
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat