My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
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There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
DOOO EEEET
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble