deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”