Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.