Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
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Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
2022: I can fix it
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage