ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.