Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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