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Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
#parenting
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?