It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.